I used to find it difficult to say ‘Thank You’. It meant I was indebted to someone and had an obligation to them. This behavioural pattern was learned from my mother, who was so narcissistic, needy and unhappy that I unconsciously felt it my duty to live up to the expectations she had of me, so that she could be the mother she always wanted to be.
For a long time therefore, commitment was an anathema to me. I ran away a lot. I could barely stay with a boyfriend for one week before I became restless, or an abode for more than a year. In total I’ve lived in 30 different places and if you multiplied that number by 10, you might approach the number of boyfriends I’ve had.
But then I read this book. And I can safely say it surpasses every expectation you’ve ever had of a guidebook to life. Whereas others like Illusions by Richard Bach speak in parables and enigma (beautiful though it is), this book is more practical. It’s also brutally honest; shockingly so (and that comes from my mouth). I’ve thrown it across the room on several occasions. And yet…
It also sparked off my polyamorous journey with one phrase and changed the way I saw my relationship with my narcissistic mother forever. It’s reframing on freedom of choice has changed my life.
When there is no choice not to be in relationship, there is no choice to be in a relationship. ~ Ron Smothermon
Thanks to this man, I can say Thank You. I can experience gratitude. But there’s more (and more and more).
One of the most relevant paradigms we learn about in psychology is the drama triangle. Playing the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer roles serve to get us what we want. Or at least we think they do.
You may or may not like what happens to you in life, but either way you will experience it as a victim and have no sense you caused it unless you are aware. If you are aware on the other hand, you know that you cause the experience or everything that happens in your life. You have the choice to be nurtured by the events in your life or victimized and embittered by them.
Either way, you get the experience you intended to get.
But playing these games prevent us from seeing clearly what is going on and more importantly learning from what is going on. Because within this triangle, we can attribute blame, experience guilt and create drama. The drama triangle creates codependency and a lack of responsibility.
We cannot change the things for which we are not responsible.
It’s all very well to be responsible for the good things in life. The Promotion. The Money in the bank. The Hard Won Qualification. But people rarely like being responsible for the bad stuff, especially if it’s someone else’s fault. But if we are not responsible, we are the victim. And Victims by definition cannot change their circumstances.
Do you want to win at life? Take responsibility (but not fault) for your life…all of it.