Another Day, Another Suicide

Louisa003 Rewriting the Narrative, The Adoptee Journey

Another day, another celebrity overdose. Another wave of anger from those who wage war against drugs, condemn suicide and an outpouring of grief of those who mourn the loss of individuals who have shone great light in the world and another wave of condemnation from people no longer in my Facebook friend list, who dismiss and deny others’ struggle with pain. As if contentedness is a reward for worthy people only and if it hasn’t been gained, then it’s because some just haven’t tried hard enough.

I see then four types of people in this world…

  1. Those who are struggling out of their subconscious patterning of fear, scarcity and conflict.
  2. Those who believe they have managed it and call it being conscious/aware.
  3. Those who acknowledge it may be so for some but don’t feel it.
  4. And those who deny this painful journey even exists…

The first three categories can co-exist, albeit uneasily. I leave category four to their own devices. Of course like all other things, it’s a spectrum of course and these categories ovelap. But I like to call the first lot ‘seekers’.

Whether it is through politics, therapy or religion, there are those people who are looking for a greater meaning to their lives. For these people, the life of material pleasures is not enough. If you, too, are looking for the absolute Truth, you are a seeker. Within all seekers there is a drive that keeps them looking, that keeps them questing. Their Spirit thirsts for a union with its Greater Self. From communism to transcendentalism, from drugs to psychic phenomena, a seeker’s journey can be a long one.

Sahaja Yoga

Still I don’t believe it is a long journey. I believe it is a never ending and rather cyclical one (that only stops with death or denial…a valid choice for many). Because there is no reward for being a seeker unless the reward is a constant rejection of all that is comfortable, all that you know and a leap into the unknown with the truth as the only promise. But to be a category one seeker you must also be able to accept that success is unattainable, it is an illusion.

It has been said in new age circles, that we are entering into a new age of consciousness – homo luminous – the age of light, where mankind operates out of a place of love and abundance instead of fear, scarcity and conflict. Those who believe they have managed it–the second group–call themselves lightworkers. I don’t much care for the word because it denotes a state of being which is impossible to attain, but I know what is meant by it. Those who believe they live in a patterning of love, compassion and abundance. But in order to believe this, they must have themselves struggled–at least once–out of the fear, scarcity and conflict patterning.

I discard the notion of an age of light, but I do think we’re at the tipping point of a new era. And I’m not asking you to believe in new-age philosophy or mystical tarot readings. Just to acknowledge that the world is changing.

“The rate of change, the number of sources of change and the impact of change are at an unprecedented level in human history… Change itself is a paradigm changing phenomenon.” [Boardman, How the Light gets in].

What this does, is to kick more of us than ever before, into a state of eternal ‘displacement’. Into category one. More of us than ever before are seekers, aware that we are in state of discontent. The sense that something somewhere is not as it should be. Those who seek to struggle out of subconsciousness patterning, do so because of the catalyst of one or more sources of displacement in their lives e.g.  acute intelligence, oppression, extended education, adoption, mixed cultural heritage, divorce…the list is endless. It is also increasing, driven by our better access to information.

The awkward sense of eternal displacement comes from the fact that seekers are looking for something that they believe will give them inner peace. They do not know what this something could be. They have many different I’s that are constantly struggling to defend their points of view, their truth. This struggle prevents them from reaching the feeling of wholeness that they desire so much.

Home For Nomads

Some seekers might be successful in becoming in some way conscious. If they believe they have been successful and that this is a finite goal they will choose to move into the second group, stop seeking (and still be in denial, just at a different point).

That people who commit suicide are always seekers, for me there can be no doubt. They are seeking somehow to travel the path out of the pain and fear in which they find themselves. I’ve been there. For many reasons they find this intolerable. Since we often set ourselves up to fail, believing that consciousness and happiness is a fixed state which can be achieved and sometime defining what we believe would make us happy, our despair at realising we cannot ever permanently achieve it drives us to desperate acts.

Seekers do not feel at ease in the reality they have come into. The first thing they will try to do therefore is to change their reality to see how they can become more ‘at-ease’ or more at home. They can do this by travelling, by drug and substance use/abuse, by multiple relationships…in fact anything and everything to change their external realities and deny the fact they are living in a reality which is becoming increasingly difficult. This is not the way.

So what is the way?

It is all at once, extraordinarily difficult and extremely simple. Tell the truth about your reality. Admit that what you believe is reality, is mostly lies. Tell the truth about you really want and more importantly, why you really want it. Discover the truth about your own motivations. Then discover that even your truth is not constant and be able to accept this. Truth changes, which means that to be a seeker is not a destination, but a never ending path (and then you die).

If you shine the light on your lies then you will be forced to continually re-examine your own true nature. Some of it you might think is vile (although that’s probably a judgement). Perhaps eventually you will come to know and love yourself, in this ongoing process. Which is when you will be able to love humanity in all we call both beauty and vileness. There is less fear when you accept, love and trust that although you are ever changing, you can sometimes be happy. And yet this in itself is a lie, because there is always fear and the point is not achieving a fixed state (which does not exist) but travelling the path and experiencing both highs and lows. Accepting that fear, conflict and scarcity exist alongside love, compassion and abundance. We live in a transient duality.

But whilst I find the journey of a life out of denial is worth it, the penalty of believing in a binary success-failure paradigm, and failing according to your own definitions is depression and death. Of course you will die, anyway. The only question is what kind of life you want to live before you die. The life of denial which might serve many purposes, or the life where you shine a light on the dangerous uncertainty that is reality. If you resist this uncertainty you risk getting so tired of travelling the path trying to reach a destination, that you exhaust your own reserves and tragically give up on it far too early.