I’ve been raped twice already so it’s not like I believe in my own self-worth enough to even make a legitimate attempt to refuse you.
When my self esteem was low, my relationships were abusive. Yet I always assumed that when my self-esteem was higher that my relationships would be healthy.
But it wasn’t about love, it was about power. About how far I would be willing to go. About how much abuse I might be prepared to accept.
The guilt of who I am, what I have done is so shameful that I cannot face the pain. There is no point in holding someone who is shattered and worthless.
I don’t know whether the roaring was in my head or from his throat, but it felt like I had gone mad.