My Boyfriend and His Primary Are Falling Apart. What do I do?

You asked… I have been a secondary partner in my poly relationship. Recently my boyfriend and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues. The rift between them has caused a shift in our dynamic. We all live together, and even our sleeping arrangements have even changed. My boyfriend and I, I feel, have become the primary relationship, … Read More

Am I a Cheater or Am I Polyamorous?

You asked… “Recently I heard about polyamory. I’d heard of open relationships of course, but I did not know it had a name or what polyamorous really meant. My question is that I do not know if I am. On the two occasions when I have had a monogamous relationship long-term, I ended up falling in love with others. People believe … Read More

Do I Lie to My Teenage Son About Being Open?

You asked… After having been in an “open” relationship with my wife for the past 4.5 years but never had another relationship per se, I have now had a girlfriend for the past 4 months. Originally the two were kept quite separate, mostly due to my wife not necessarily needing to see her, but now she comes over regularly, stays … Read More

What is Ethical About Polyamory?

You asked… I consider myself polyamorous. Full on polyamorous. Or at least I did until I was trying to debate with a friend about the ethical component of polyamory. I defined polyamory as consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy.  I realised that I’m down with the area of consent and responsibility but for me, consent and responsibility *is* what is ethical about polyamory … Read More

Two Partners And No Sex! What do I do?

You asked… I married my husband twenty years ago. But the sex in our relationship was always problematic, and although we had kids, my husband discovered that he was asexual, but since everything else was OK between us, we thought it would be a shame to divorce for such a (for him) meaningless reason. We eventually settled on this arrangement whereby I spend a couple … Read More

How do I Transition from a Nuclear to an Open Family?

You asked… I’m interested in transitioning from nuclear family to open family. Specifically, in one of your articles you wrote something like “your relationship was missing the conflict that you used to call ‘meaning'” – I’d like that, please! How does a couple set up for successful (aka nourishing, healthy, drama-free) living that includes ‘dating’ other people, sexual connection with … Read More

How Can I Help My Abusive Partner?

You asked… I’ve lived with a man for several years, and about a year ago we decided to “go poly”. It was the first time I realized that I didn’t have to put all my energy and effort into one other person, that I was allowed to care for myself and my own needs. Sadly enough, taking responsibility for myself … Read More

If I’m jealous, am I also necessarily insecure?

You Asked… Can somebody who’s completely secure in themselves and their relationship still feel jealousy with respect to their partner? I’ve heard it said that jealousy is rooted in insecurity, but I’ve also heard it said that jealousy is irrational. Can people with complete security in themselves and their relationship still experience jealousy? I Answered… Our rational brain (pre frontal … Read More

How do I let my crush know that my marriage is non-monogamous?

You asked… I live in a very happy marriage, me and my husband are deeply and passionately in love with each other and this is very evident to people who are around us. We both have a big capacity for love, and I have always been polyamorous but haven’t seen this as a life style option until a while ago … Read More

What Should I Look for in a New Partner?

You asked… I’m married, but after opening our marriage it seems that we no longer have that much of a connection or at least only very slight. We have kids, so I’ve tried really hard to keep the family in close contact. We’ve transitioned the relationship so that we have a sort of ‘tertiary’ connection and separated quite a lot … Read More

How do I Protect My Kid from bullying due to polyamory?

You asked… So far I’ve been pretty lucky – able to mostly insulate my son from changes with partners (I learned that lesson when he was mostly too young to remember, at least). And we’re 90% out, so I’m not worried about him outing us. (By 90% out I mean that friends know and neither my husband nor any of … Read More

Does Jealousy Mimic Childhood Relationships?

You asked… I would love your opinions on something I’ve been pondering: in my immediate mono and poly friends I think I’m seeing a link with the amount of jealousy you feel and the amount of jealousy you felt towards siblings as a child. For example, I don’t remember having any such feelings towards my younger sister, quite the opposite. … Read More

How do I initiate the talk about opening our relationship?

You asked… I’ve been married for three years but I’ve always have female friends that I’ve been very attached too. I would go as far as to say I love them. I’ve always struggled with this feeling that I would just to love to touch them or kiss them but I’ve always backed out of these thoughts. It might seem … Read More

Is my Daughter Polyamorous or Mentally Ill?

You asked… My 27 year old daughter has recently come out as polyamorous. I’m a fairly open minded Mum but I’ve been her sole parent since she was eight, when I left her emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive and narcissistic father. I’m totally invested in her well being and supporting her choices, so to find out more about this lifestyle I read the books … Read More

Why Are Polyamorous People So Ugly?

You Asked… “I got into polyamory via a glamorous life of swinging, but my wife and I found that unconnected sex didn’t do it for us and we started to fall for another couple. Sadly they felt that polyamory threatened their relationship so we started exploring poly groups for more like-minded people. But on the whole the people who attended … Read More

Can I accidently lead someone to do something unethical?

You asked… I met a women around my age yesterday evening, and had a great time playing cards, drinking at a bar and conversing with her. This is the first romantic crush on a cis-woman I have had, and would definitely describe us as mutually romantically flirting. She asked if I wanted to be walked home, to hug, for a … Read More

When should I introduce my partner to my kids?

You asked… I’ve recently started dating again now that maternity has finished and my daughter has started pre-school. I’ve met someone who I think could be a potential partner. I agreed with my husband a while ago, that we wouldn’t introduce someone to our child unless it was serious, but now I’m thinking I can’t get serious with a partner until … Read More

What can I do if her anxiety prevents me from polyamory?

You asked… My wife and I married young and lived a monogamous lifestyle for 15 years. Over the last few years we’ve had several polyamorous experiences, initially due to her interest in it. But in this process we’ve discovered that she harbors crippling – and I mean crippling – jealousy and anxiety that for all practical purposes prevents me from … Read More

Am I abusive?

You asked… I read your response on anxiety with interest and foreboding. I am in an open relationship with my partner. I suffer hugely from anxiety, and although I try to take full responsibility for it, I fear that my initial – uncontrollable – reactions of fear and anxiety impact my partner’s decisions on how or even whether to move … Read More

Is it Wrong to Use Polyamory Just to Get Sex?

You asked… They say that polyamory isn’t ‘just about the sex’, and ‘people aren’t just ‘needs fulfilment machines’, but the truth is that I have a very high sex drive and my husband doesn’t. I need more sex and sex is better for me when I know and at least like a person. But sex with loving is even better! So basically, … Read More

I can only have sex with one person. Am I really polyamorous?

You asked… I’ve identified as polyamorous for many years, and do indeed love many. But even if I love many – you know, the soul thrilling, intimate, vulnerable kind – I have recognised that sexually, I (eventually) prefer exclusivity. I’ve noticed that my multiple relationships are often a transition from one sexually exclusive one to another (with an overlap of up … Read More

How can I let go of my anger toward my partner & former metamour?

You asked… I’ll preface by saying my marriage was once incredibly dysfunctional. Neither of us were capable of taking responsibility for our choices or feelings and we got stuck in this cycle of happy for a little while followed by increasing isolation followed by explosive fighting followed my short lived happiness and promises to do better. It was bad. Really … Read More

How do I introduce someone new to Polyamory?

You asked… I’ve met someone who hasn’t heard of poly before. What’s a good way to introduce them? What red flags are there that they’re not accepting it really, but just going along? Thanks. Assuming your ‘someone’ has heard – however vaguely – of open relationships before, I’m going to give you some unconventional advice. Consider – unless it’s too … Read More

Should Our Power Exchange Couple Date As A Couple?

You asked… My husband is very poly and has no jealousy issues. I am situationally poly, in that it is not an absolute necessity to me. My questions arises in that we are a power exchange couple. My husband has another woman in his life that is his submissive. They are not sexually involved. I started out in a friendship … Read More

What do I do if her Partner Isn’t Poly-Friendly?

You asked… I think I’m running into a situation where I think I need to break up a relationship, because the living situation of my love and her partner isn’t poly-friendly. I’m minimized when he’s around, not allowed into their home, and having to hide the relationship when she and I are in her neighbourhood. I’ve tried to deal with this for … Read More

Am I Polyamorous… Or is My Marriage Just Over?

You asked… “If you’d asked me 6 months ago, I would have said that I love 2 men. But now …after months of drama, mistrust, less time with my husband and having the best connection ever with my new lover, I am just not sure of my feelings any more. Then this weekend I reconnected with my husband and we … Read More