Perhaps that’s what’s so fearsome for many, they know that with awareness their current selves will never be the same again, they will be damaged.
TBINAA | The Cowardice of the White Woman
Maybe it was then I first asked the question: would I risk my own life to protect the Anne Franks of this world? The answer was always yes. But hindsight is a flattering bedfellow.
On “Downgrading” Your Relationship
Boundaries are ultra important, both in their definition and mutual respect of them. They must be carefully drawn so that they don’t amount to a tacit veto.
Why Violence is used to Counter Fascism (in three parts)
But the course of your chosen response in the fight against dehumanization is not necessarily dictated by your political stance. Whether you use reasonable discourse or violent protest is more likely be influenced by another factor: privilege, and how your privilege promotes your own survival.
What’s The Difference between A Narcissist And a Privileged Asshole?
For me one of the real differences between narcissism and privilege is not therefore in the actions of the individual, but in the extent of their internal distortion of reality.
The Disenfranchised European Progressive
There could be many potential reasons not least that to become a overseas voter is a bureaucratic nightmare, especially for those like me who left before voting age. When I eventually found the energy to jump through all the hoops, I was turned away. The electoral commission had only been formed in 2001 and when I discovered the website several years later, my rights had already expired.
What my White Privilege Says About Punching Nazis
For people of colour, white ethics do not promote their survival–it only promotes white people’s survival and usually at the expense of theirs. People of colour have not been allowed voice, still today have less voice and any choice of an ethical framework–even by me, a white person–is ill-informed if it does not take this into account because our reality is weighted privilege.
Use Psychology to end Trump Presidency
Donald Trump uses ‘alternative facts’ to achieve harmony in his inner world. He’s put a photo on his wall describing the crowd as a ‘sea of love’ indicative of the fact he craves adulation.
The Fucked-up Truth of Non-Dark Alley Rape
When you live as a woman, there is a power imbalance. It means that I would let myself be raped if I perceived a threat to my life.
It always was a Post-Truth Era, the difference now is that we know it
We have always been in a post-truth era because our interpretation of truth can only ever be subjective. Today the difference is that Trump doesn’t pretend to be objective. As a narcissist, it is impossible for him to be anyone other than who he is. I’d wager he believes his own stories, no matter what facts might say.
Reflections on Losing My Mind
Memory loss is one of the symptoms of living with high anxiety, which in itself is one of the symptoms of complex trauma..
No, It’s Not Your Parents’ Fault
Similarly if you experience insecure attachment as a child, all other things being equal, your mind will default to attach insecurely as an adult.
TBIBAA | When My Relationship With Facebook Became Non-Consensual
Like all abusive relationships, getting out of Facebook once you’re in, is difficult. I’m reducing my interaction with it click by painful click.
Now We Are Six
But six does not look as A.A. Milne described it in my childhood. Truth to be told, I now realise that it never looked like that, I only wish it did. Six is brutal and I’m feeling its brutality again through my children. It is not reasonable or rational. It is brutal.
The Hovel (Building a Self after Maternal Narcissism)
What is here? Neglect is here. Overgrown plants are here. This hovel has never been occupied, never lived in, loved or cared for. It is dirty and lonely. It is private. It is the core of all things.
The Crossroads of Polyamory and Complex Trauma
Being polyamorous or practising consensual non-monogamy whilst also dealing with the consequences of complex trauma, has a few subtleties all of its own.
Destined to be a Burden
It seems impossible to me now that I shouldn’t have known this. Yet I didn’t ever, ever consider the label C-PTSD, despite overwhelming evidence.
How Trump Triggers Complex Trauma
Like the flare up of an allergy, and since the shock of the midsummer brexit, I am now in hypervigilance. I see potential harm long before it turns into active threat. And when the red rage comes, I fight or flee to remove that potential from my environment, from my children’s environment. With the Trump presidency, I cannot. It is everywhere. I see it everywhere. Threat is everywhere.
Donald, Do you want to be a Superhero or Megavillain?
You’ve heard it in so many wise texts; power is a gift, use it wisely. And what is wisdom? Wisdom is understanding that you know very little and that that is a natural consequence in being human. You are human. And you know very little.
Why I’m solo-polyamorous but living in a community
I learned that solo-polyamory would be the smart choice for me; that’s a conundrum when you’re already in a household of six which includes two small kids.
Ethics of Family Screws Democracy
We attach to those of our ilk, beyond rationality. And few of us have enough self-awareness to overcome it. The law and our systems were designed to counteract this; ‘the law is reason free from passion’. The very concept of the American electoral system is based on a fundamental belief that some people are able to be more objective than others and will vote for the benefit of all. And yet because of the strength of their own self-interest, the strength of their own reptilian instincts, they will naturally fail to do so.
My Privilege is Uncomfortable
So white folk, we have a task in front of us which might seem huge, but really it isn’t. It is to face our own prejudice when the most obvious and comfortable way to survive is to stay in our bubble. It is to step up and be accountable for our ignorance, even if ignorance is part of our humanity. I will hold your hand as we overcome our fragility and cultivate empathy and battle our minds which tell us that it’s not our problem.
Fighting My Daughter’s Racist Formula
In-groups are formed by what we consider to be ‘relevant’ familiarity. Children, and even adults, process most of our information visually which means that varying skin tones might be not only the first but also the only indicators for who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out’.
A look at “The Polyamorous Home”
There is nothing wrong with partners who choose not give up their own self-determination in order to support a community they have played no part in making.
Racism stigma furthers the Racist Agenda in Sweden
One reason why this immigration was considered successful had nothing to do with Sweden’s ability to integrate immigrants; only that the type of immigrants arriving were more easily ‘integrate-able’ as is still the case today for me. At first sight therefore, when immigrants are able to fit into Swedish culture at a level which allows them to peaceably live and work within the system, we do not see backlashes against immigration.
To Those Who Advise Compassion for Trump Supporters
If you are not at the centre then don’t shit on the person whose been hurt – your job is to support them. If you yourself need support in order to do that, bitch to people who are less affected by it; comfort in, dump out… On a macro scale don’t give more burdens to those who have been oppressed. Don’t expect compassion from those who have been dumped on. It is not their job to show it.
What Greater Good is There Than Integrity?
But when people are dear to me, I feel they deserve more than ghosting. They deserve at least an attempt to explain why our relationship will be changing. The choice is not binary of course, we could simply be less in each other’s lives. I could reduce contact, fobbing them off with excuses until I achieved my desired effect. But that reduces their power of consent. If they knew how I truly felt about their values and/or consequent actions, then they may choose to cut contact altogether.
Are you a Burning Woman?
Burning Women–as an archetype in our psyche, not a prescribed gender–are rising in the form of intersectional feminists, queer activists and angry people of colour. We are the rule breakers and we demand that our voices be heard. And as we get stronger, so the forces which suppressed us wage an ever more fierce war. But they cannot stop us.
The Emotional Objectification of Our Children
I believe that consistent and repeatable actions during childhood, no matter how small, will build up mental models that we continue to follow as adults. The flaps of butterfly wings do indeed sometimes cause hurricanes. Calling out and correcting unhealthy parenting techniques in myself and others, even I seem pedantic in doing so, means that we can stop hurricanes before they start. Giving children agency and responsibility too early before they are ready to assume them, will result in a catastrophe. Too late, and we risk disempowering them.
Are We Allowed to Objectify Kim Kardashian’s Butt?
If Hollywood sells a film thanks to Alexander Skarsgård’s torso, has he given his consent? Is it ok if Kim Kardashian sells with her butt?
Humans are pre-programmed to objectify. So how can we help it?
Because I went. I saw Tarzan. I objectified, and thoroughly enjoyed doing so, thinking it at best harmless fun and at worst a sort of inconsequential revenge for all the years that my sisters and I have been objectified. This is what the men go on about, I thought. Yes, it’s fun.
Trump, Weltschmertz and Me
I’m not laughing anymore. I’m crying because what this farce of an election has done, is to uncover evil in my own home, in my own friends and yes, also in myself. It has torn the veil off those relationships I believed were rock solid. Not because my world or social circle are anything like as extreme as Trump, but because extreme or not, his vile behaviours–like the objectification of women–are so commonplace.
Sex-Positivity for Babies
For all we want to help our children to be hygienic, in the long term at least making the ‘dirt can be fun’ narrative accessible to them, will later greatly help their appreciation of the often messy and beautifully ‘dirty’ activity that is sex.
When Hurt Becomes Abuse and The Dimensions of ‘Hurt’
Many abuse victims like me, have also demonstrated the same behaviours which can be tagged as emotionally abusive. Yet they are not abusers themselves. Why? At what point does hurt become abuse?
How can I let go of my anger toward my partner & former metamour?
You asked… I’ll preface by saying my marriage was once incredibly dysfunctional. Neither of us were capable of taking responsibility for our choices or feelings and we got stuck in this cycle of happy for a little while followed by increasing isolation followed by explosive fighting followed my short lived happiness and promises to do better. It was bad. Really … Read More
The Black Despair of Sexual Shame
That was the year I walked alone, that I suffered ridicule, ostracisation and emotional abuse from my classmates. That year I cried night after night.
If I’m jealous, am I also necessarily insecure?
You Asked… Can somebody who’s completely secure in themselves and their relationship still feel jealousy with respect to their partner? I’ve heard it said that jealousy is rooted in insecurity, but I’ve also heard it said that jealousy is irrational. Can people with complete security in themselves and their relationship still experience jealousy? I Answered… Our rational brain (pre frontal … Read More
Purple Prose ushers in a new era of Bisexual Visibility
The ideas that Purple Prose lay out are not new; but they are published. Publication does a lot to validate ideas in our world since our collective unconscious recognises validity most often through third party verification.
Square Peg, Round hole
I didn’t feel odd, or unconventional. I fit. I felt like this was my family, my tribe, with all its weird and wonderful troubles and joys.
No, Doesn’t Always Mean No
I’ve been raped twice already so it’s not like I believe in my own self-worth enough to even make a legitimate attempt to refuse you.
How do I initiate the talk about opening our relationship?
You asked… I’ve been married for three years but I’ve always have female friends that I’ve been very attached too. I would go as far as to say I love them. I’ve always struggled with this feeling that I would just to love to touch them or kiss them but I’ve always backed out of these thoughts. It might seem … Read More
Is Love just Relief from Anxiety?
It’s less about the dopamine high and more about the euphoria of finally feeling confident and capable. Feeling relaxed. Trusting that my children are safe.
Becoming Chosen Family
She might also achieve that status by bonding with the children. But as a fiercely protective mother, I limited that interaction. It requires my trust too.
The Privilege Behind the Word Polyamory
The invention of the word polyamory can be perceived as an unconscious intention to create distance from the queer community.
Britain & Her Island Mentality
But when you dig down into the voting statistics, some very obvious truths surface. Those like me–generation X,Y or post Y and/or many with immigrant heritage–voted remain. Almost half of us. The baby boomers voted leave. Was it their fear of change?
How do I Transition from a Nuclear to an Open Family?
You asked… I’m interested in transitioning from nuclear family to open family. Specifically, in one of your articles you wrote something like “your relationship was missing the conflict that you used to call ‘meaning'” – I’d like that, please! How does a couple set up for successful (aka nourishing, healthy, drama-free) living that includes ‘dating’ other people, sexual connection with … Read More
On Creating Authentic Connection
To have an authentic relationship, you must be comfortable with uncertainty. You must be able, not only to tolerate but also enjoy the intransigence.
On The Protocol for Threesomes
Successful threesomes might have many components, but I would boldly state that the best way to ensure satisfaction is through good communication. Yet sitting down to discuss boundaries and consent with long term partner(s) with whom you hopefully have an enviable level of honest communication, is the easier part. It is not so easy to communicate with that spontaneous person you meet at the club, who agrees to participate in fun and games with you and your partner(s) for a one-off encounter.
Desired Things
The gift of being able to feel your emotions is therefore the gift of survival. Emotions are signals from our bodies which help us devise strategies which we believe will help us survive. But in order to survive–and thrive–we need to be able to feel all of them. That’s what they are there for.
Why Is There No Unicorn Hunting in Sweden?
They are less likely to adhere to hierarchy. More likely to coin terms like Relationship Anarchy. And less likely to hunt for unicorns.
Torn Between Two Worlds and Ableist Language Shaming
Experience inadequacy and confusion when you go out, try to grapple with vastly different public transport systems, inadvertently miss bill payments because the sheer volume of foreign administrative mail takes literally days to wade through. Be misunderstood for your communication and have people shout louder at you thereby triggering your childhood trauma. And then spend even more years trying to learn the language starting with ‘Lesson 1: how to buy an apple’ instead of the more useful topic ‘Lesson 367: dealing with online banking and tax declarations.’
I know what a fucking apple is and how to buy it, since apples and currency work the same in pretty much every language.
Why Are Open Relationships on the Rise?
One answer might be The Streisand Effect. If you want to keep people obedient, you have to keep them in a state of subsumed non-awareness.
Relationship Fluidity Instead of Relationship Anarchy
Relationship Fluidity is more about rolling with your relationship, than what relationship style you practise, or even use as an identifier.
Why saying ‘Fuck Yes’ Is Impossible for the Emotionally Blind
Some people will rarely experience that hopping up and down to have sex. Some people will never feel a ‘fuck yes’ about anything. They will make their decisions based on past experience and educated guesses more than a soul-thrilling desire to go for it. They are the emotionally blind.
How do I let my crush know that my marriage is non-monogamous?
You asked… I live in a very happy marriage, me and my husband are deeply and passionately in love with each other and this is very evident to people who are around us. We both have a big capacity for love, and I have always been polyamorous but haven’t seen this as a life style option until a while ago … Read More
The Surprising Upsides of an Atrocious Memory
At twelve years old, I experienced a car accident which must have had more of an impact than the months I don’t recall and I drank my way through my twenties, actively trying to forget many things, which I’m pretty sure had an even larger impact.
When the Abused, Become the Abuser
Yet emotional abuse is incredibly damaging, perhaps in part because it cannot be recognised and dealt with in the same way. Emotional abuse gets swept under the carpet because it is supported and perpetuated by society as a whole.
How to Start Using Your Privilege by a Cis-White Woman
To learn on one hand that I have perpetuated systemic oppressive behaviours, and on the other having to face those who have been oppressed and who are angry at me for doing so makes me want to shield myself from the onslaught which risks triggering the terror I felt as a child.
But if I truly want to be an ally, I cannot ignore it.
Forget-Me-Nots
I’ve thought long and hard how it has come about that I have cast my adoptive mother so definitively in the role of the evil Queen.
What is Ethical About Polyamory?
You asked… I consider myself polyamorous. Full on polyamorous. Or at least I did until I was trying to debate with a friend about the ethical component of polyamory. I defined polyamory as consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy. I realised that I’m down with the area of consent and responsibility but for me, consent and responsibility *is* what is ethical about polyamory … Read More