Parallel Polyamory

Instead of working towards a community being aligned in values, we must now work on constructing a sadder, wiser dynamic which accomodates us all as far as possible. Maybe it’s more like a family than I’ve ever realised.

A look at “The Polyamorous Home”

There is nothing wrong with partners who choose not give up their own self-determination in order to support a community they have played no part in making.

On Creating Authentic Connection

To have an authentic relationship, you must be comfortable with uncertainty. You must be able, not only to tolerate but also enjoy the intransigence.

My Boyfriend and His Primary Are Falling Apart. What do I do?

You asked… I have been a secondary partner in my poly relationship. Recently my boyfriend and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues. The rift between them has caused a shift in our dynamic. We all live together, and even our sleeping arrangements have even changed. My boyfriend and I, I feel, have become the primary relationship, … Read More

Am I a Cheater or Am I Polyamorous?

You asked… “Recently I heard about polyamory. I’d heard of open relationships of course, but I did not know it had a name or what polyamorous really meant. My question is that I do not know if I am. On the two occasions when I have had a monogamous relationship long-term, I ended up falling in love with others. People believe … Read More

Do I Lie to My Teenage Son About Being Open?

You asked… After having been in an “open” relationship with my wife for the past 4.5 years but never had another relationship per se, I have now had a girlfriend for the past 4 months. Originally the two were kept quite separate, mostly due to my wife not necessarily needing to see her, but now she comes over regularly, stays … Read More

What is Ethical About Polyamory?

You asked… I consider myself polyamorous. Full on polyamorous. Or at least I did until I was trying to debate with a friend about the ethical component of polyamory. I defined polyamory as consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy.  I realised that I’m down with the area of consent and responsibility but for me, consent and responsibility *is* what is ethical about polyamory … Read More

Two Partners And No Sex! What do I do?

You asked… I married my husband twenty years ago. But the sex in our relationship was always problematic, and although we had kids, my husband discovered that he was asexual, but since everything else was OK between us, we thought it would be a shame to divorce for such a (for him) meaningless reason. We eventually settled on this arrangement whereby I spend a couple … Read More

What Should I Look for in a New Partner?

You asked… I’m married, but after opening our marriage it seems that we no longer have that much of a connection or at least only very slight. We have kids, so I’ve tried really hard to keep the family in close contact. We’ve transitioned the relationship so that we have a sort of ‘tertiary’ connection and separated quite a lot … Read More

How do I Protect My Kid from bullying due to polyamory?

You asked… So far I’ve been pretty lucky – able to mostly insulate my son from changes with partners (I learned that lesson when he was mostly too young to remember, at least). And we’re 90% out, so I’m not worried about him outing us. (By 90% out I mean that friends know and neither my husband nor any of … Read More

Is my Daughter Polyamorous or Mentally Ill?

You asked… My 27 year old daughter has recently come out as polyamorous. I’m a fairly open minded Mum but I’ve been her sole parent since she was eight, when I left her emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive and narcissistic father. I’m totally invested in her well being and supporting her choices, so to find out more about this lifestyle I read the books … Read More

Why Are Polyamorous People So Ugly?

You Asked… “I got into polyamory via a glamorous life of swinging, but my wife and I found that unconnected sex didn’t do it for us and we started to fall for another couple. Sadly they felt that polyamory threatened their relationship so we started exploring poly groups for more like-minded people. But on the whole the people who attended … Read More

Can I accidently lead someone to do something unethical?

You asked… I met a women around my age yesterday evening, and had a great time playing cards, drinking at a bar and conversing with her. This is the first romantic crush on a cis-woman I have had, and would definitely describe us as mutually romantically flirting. She asked if I wanted to be walked home, to hug, for a … Read More

When should I introduce my partner to my kids?

You asked… I’ve recently started dating again now that maternity has finished and my daughter has started pre-school. I’ve met someone who I think could be a potential partner. I agreed with my husband a while ago, that we wouldn’t introduce someone to our child unless it was serious, but now I’m thinking I can’t get serious with a partner until … Read More

What can I do if her anxiety prevents me from polyamory?

You asked… My wife and I married young and lived a monogamous lifestyle for 15 years. Over the last few years we’ve had several polyamorous experiences, initially due to her interest in it. But in this process we’ve discovered that she harbors crippling – and I mean crippling – jealousy and anxiety that for all practical purposes prevents me from … Read More

Is it Wrong to Use Polyamory Just to Get Sex?

You asked… They say that polyamory isn’t ‘just about the sex’, and ‘people aren’t just ‘needs fulfilment machines’, but the truth is that I have a very high sex drive and my husband doesn’t. I need more sex and sex is better for me when I know and at least like a person. But sex with loving is even better! So basically, … Read More

I can only have sex with one person. Am I really polyamorous?

You asked… I’ve identified as polyamorous for many years, and do indeed love many. But even if I love many – you know, the soul thrilling, intimate, vulnerable kind – I have recognised that sexually, I (eventually) prefer exclusivity. I’ve noticed that my multiple relationships are often a transition from one sexually exclusive one to another (with an overlap of up … Read More

How do I introduce someone new to Polyamory?

You asked… I’ve met someone who hasn’t heard of poly before. What’s a good way to introduce them? What red flags are there that they’re not accepting it really, but just going along? Thanks. Assuming your ‘someone’ has heard – however vaguely – of open relationships before, I’m going to give you some unconventional advice. Consider – unless it’s too … Read More

Should Our Power Exchange Couple Date As A Couple?

You asked… My husband is very poly and has no jealousy issues. I am situationally poly, in that it is not an absolute necessity to me. My questions arises in that we are a power exchange couple. My husband has another woman in his life that is his submissive. They are not sexually involved. I started out in a friendship … Read More

Becoming The Author of Your Own Life

Designer Relationships is a gentle, compassionate read which presents the subject in a most decorous and acceptable light, yet this also means it is not dramatic or compelling enough to encourage a dubious reader to finish it. This is not a book which will persuade those without an already open and curious mind.