narcissistic adoptive mother Archives

The Hovel (Building a Self after Maternal Narcissism)

A small isolated hut in the middle of the words, representing trying to find yourself after maternal narcissism

What is here? Neglect is here. Overgrown plants are here. This hovel has never been occupied, never lived in, loved or cared for. It is dirty and lonely. It is private. It is the core of all things.

Destined to be a Burden

It seems impossible to me now that I shouldn’t have known this. Yet I didn’t ever, ever consider the label C-PTSD, despite overwhelming evidence.

When the Abused, Become the Abuser

Yet emotional abuse is incredibly damaging, perhaps in part because it cannot be recognised and dealt with in the same way. Emotional abuse gets swept under the carpet because it is supported and perpetuated by society as a whole.

Forget-Me-Nots

I’ve thought long and hard how it has come about that I have cast my adoptive mother so definitively in the role of the evil Queen.

Questions You Never Wanted to Ask

I knew that my father had tried to divorce my mother a year before they adopted me. I knew that I was ‘her project’. I knew that he was never around.

Why Compassion for Abusers is Necessary For Healing

I write not to vilify her. I write because I own my story. I write to assert my existence. I write because silence around abuse, even emotional abuse, gives it the authority and space to continue.

Child Knows Best

Agency was conspicuous by its absence in my upbringing. My adoptive mother neither trusted in me, nor in my agency and this might be regarded by many as wise. After all what can a child know about the consequences of their decisions?

How Can We End Abuse?

As a crusader for this system, abuse was not my mother’s intent. She was an agent in an abusive system, whilst believing that it was the best thing for me.

Coraline and “The Other Mother” Narrative

Coraline's narrative of "The Other mother" represents the spectre of the adoptive maternal narcissist

Coraline will give her eyes, she will sacrifice her unique perspective on the world, and lose herself to her other mother’s vision of herself.

Are We Only Truly Free After Our Parents Die?

But although I drifted aimlessly on the open seas, buffeted by the storms I conjured myself from my grief, I also found that had the tools to fashion an oar.

Your Mother Was a Narcissist. Are You One Too?

I’m afraid that my children will grow up in an chaotic, boundary-less world because I had an overly-controlling competitive and critical mother.

When To Call it Quits With Your Toxic Mother

You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but its there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

Is Maternal Narcissism More Prevalent in Adoption?

Maternal narcissism is not exclusive to adoptive scenarios, but maybe disproportionately more prevalent in the adoption triad.

How my Therapist Helped Me Love After Maternal Narcissism

Take responsibility for your feelings. You are in charge of them. But that’s difficult. Because we need to feel angry. We’re allowed to feel angry.

Once Upon A Time ~ A Tale of Maternal Narcissism

Once Upon A Time supplies the finest demonstration of the regenerative, self-perpetuating and insidious power that is narcissism.

Not Giving a Shit is a Good Thing (Part 3)

The most useful tool I’ve discovered on our life journey is compassionate honesty. It heals so many wounds. This month has given me the chance to compassionately and honestly re-examine the relationship between my adopted Mother and I, to see whether the wound has healed between us. But my mother continues to want to play the game of ‘who-is-right-and-wrong’, and … Read More

Letter to My Estranged Mother (Part 2)

We have each claimed our respective subjective realities to be ‘the’ one and only truth over the years, but as it turns out there is no one and only truth. We can’t change our realities, only accept that my experience is true for me as your experience is true for you. I am not trying to make you wrong. But nor will I undermine my own reality to make you right.