(for the Open-Minded)
About 12 years ago I googled, "loving more" and stumbled on a huge life changing world. Open relationships are complicated for some, and easy for others. How easy it is for you, has less to do with how much effort you put into it, although there is a lot to learn.
It's more to do with how you attach, what your experiences have been, your community stupport structure and whether it's right for all of you. There are lots of different styles and they suit everyone differently.
If you're looking for guidance, the best advice I could give you is to read everything you can lay your hands on. My site is one resource, but there is no definitive map. You are the mapmaker.
Questions from the CuriousNote that my answers are given in my capacity as an activist and also based on personal observation (as a white cis woman). Some might disagree with my answers, and I welcome feedback and objections. For this reason the comments section for all these answers is open.
"I don't use the word as a judgement, I might like them as people but the majority are overweight, nerdy and don't take care of themselves..."
"And so I'm worried that in the long run, *my* choices re going to have consequences for my *son's* social life"
"I’ve heard it said that jealousy is rooted in insecurity, but I’ve also heard it said that jealousy is irrational."
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Three books published so far, many waiting in the wings. "A World in Us", or as it was called previously, "The Husband Swap" is optioned for a film. Necessary to Life won a silver Indie award as memoir of the year. That earned me a distinguised place on the family pin board.
That your boyfriend is an abusive man—such an awful accusation, you have to have an awful amount of courage to make it. You have to be sure. Except that when you’re abused, you aren’t sure of anything anymore.
Louisa is in an abusive relationship—but she doesn’t realise it yet. On an idyllic holiday in Barbados, her suppressed and secret past catches up with her...
Louisa and her husband Gilles love each other but their marriage is going nowhere. They decide to explore polyamory, falling for another couple and trying to forge a life together as a quad.
But they are challenged in ways they didn’t expect, and their experimentation forces them to accept a new understanding of themselves and each other...
Vilified by the media for her outspoken non-monogamous lifestyle, Louisa Leontiades is, unbeknownst to the outside world, being defeated by mundanity. Four years of caring for toddlers and living in tracksuits has left her anxious, exhausted, and virtually celibate. Her partner, Morten, falls in love with Yasmin, whose family will never allow their relationship unless he leaves Louisa. Louisa falls for Janus, a terminal cancer patient looking for a mother for his children before he dies...
I was born like everyone else, with a blueprint which contained a multitude of different genomes which could be switched on or off by chemicals, according to how I needed best to survive in my particular environment.
"It does itself rewrite the rules of what we might expect from books. A single book dismantling self, and gender, and attraction, and monogamy, and love, and conflict, and break-up and commitment?"
"My husband and his wife were newly in love, awash with a flood of oxytocin which preoccupied them as my boyfriend and I – the rescuers – went to work."
I am currently working as part of a transformative justice process and assisting a survivor pod, a team of people set up to support those harmed by Franklin Veaux's behaviours in his capacity as a leader in the polyamorous community, the author of The Game Changer, co-author of More Than Two–A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory.
My personal posts on this issue will appear here in chronological order.
"There is no shortage of corroboration for Franklin's harmful behaviours. I personally have taken the testimony of five women, and read/listened to the supporting testimony of several others."
"I have recommended his website in my capacity of Chairwoman of the National Polyamory Society of Sweden and as an author published by his co-owned company Thorntree Press. My words have power, and I have used this power to recommend Franklin’s work."
"The fact was, I didn’t know who could be trusted and who couldn’t be. I didn’t know if I would put the survivors at risk if I went with the whole truth."
"During this process, I realised first hand how susceptible we all are to being abusive. Abuse is so prevalent, and so normalized, and often so much a function of our gut reactions that it is easy to do, without being even aware of it."
"Since my only job was to listen to and recreate the stories of the women who had been harmed by Franklin, I did precisely that. The existence of women whom Franklin has not harmed would not make these women any less harmed. "