My amazing publicity agent organised a spot for me tomorrow to promote The Husband Swap on a British telly programme – ITV’s This Morning – hosted by Philip Schofield and Amanda Holden.
I’m terrified. Basically because
a) I used to have an enormous crush on Philip Schofield when I was 10
b) It’s easy to deliver a reasoned opinion about a controversial topic like open relationships when you sit in the dark behind your computer screen, writing and editing, re-editing and starting from scratch before you hit publish, but not so easy on live TV…
c) Now that the longed for publicity is here, I want to be a good ambassador for polyamory but its a topic which is conflated with promiscuity and that polarises. It potentially means yet more attack and more rejection (ouch).
It’s an enormous coup of course; a first time writer getting on telly to promote their book. I feared for a while they would cancel because I refused to talk about bedroom activities (does anyone really want to hear about that over their morning cup of tea?) and breathed a sigh of relief that Kate & Wills had baby Charlotte last week, so British programming would resume normal service and my 7 minute slot wouldn’t be cancelled. And then the thought struck me. I had literally nothing to wear. Especially next to rather immaculate ex-actress-cum-presenter Amanda Holden who recently re-won my heart due to her ‘free the nipple’ appearance before the 9pm watershed during Britain’s Got Talent.
‘Cos if there’s one stereotype that exists for good reason, it’s that image of a bushy-haired beetle-eyebrowed writer, who walks around muttering to herself leaving half drunk cups of tea everywhere. For the last three years I have been expanding after childbirth, a bit like the universe at a comfortable but steady rate, with no need to invest in any other clothes but leggings and t-shirts (normally ordered online, because who wants to take 3 hours out to go where the real people are?)
And then I discovered yet another advantage lurking in the bowels of my extended polyamorous ‘intentional family’. There’s such a lot of us now… and one of them is gorgeously my clothes size – AND my shoe size – with fabulous and very expensive taste in clothes. Her dresses plus some VERY large stomach holding pants are now safely stowed in my hand luggage as I sit here typing this at the airport on my way over to my homeland. ITV promised to do my hair and make up. I just hope they listen to me when I tell them I’m going for the ‘non-whore’ look…