On This Morning’s sofa…

In On Writing, On Writing-Publicity by Louisa Leontiades

My amazing publicity agent organised a spot for me tomorrow to promote The Husband Swap on a British telly programme – ITV’s This Morning – hosted by Philip Schofield and Amanda Holden.

I’m terrified. Basically because

a) I used to have an enormous crush on Philip Schofield when I was 10

Dishy. Even though he kept his right hand mostly up a gopher's bottom.

Even though he hid his right hand mostly up a gopher’s bottom.

b) It’s easy to deliver a reasoned opinion about a controversial topic like open relationships when you sit in the dark behind your computer screen, writing and editing, re-editing and starting from scratch before you hit publish, but not so easy on live TV…

c) Now that the longed for publicity is here, I want to be a good ambassador for polyamory but its a topic which is conflated with promiscuity and that polarises. It potentially means yet more attack and more rejection (ouch).

It’s an enormous coup of course; a first time writer getting on telly to promote their book. I feared for a while they would cancel because I refused to talk about bedroom activities (does anyone really want to hear about that over their morning cup of tea?) and breathed a sigh of relief that Kate & Wills had baby Charlotte last week, so British programming would resume normal service and my 7 minute slot wouldn’t be cancelled. And then the thought struck me. I had literally nothing to wear. Especially next to rather immaculate ex-actress-cum-presenter Amanda Holden who recently re-won my heart due to her ‘free the nipple’ appearance before the 9pm watershed during Britain’s Got Talent.

This not a wardrobe malfunction #freethenipple

This is not a wardrobe malfunction #freethenipple

‘Cos if there’s one stereotype that exists for good reason, it’s that image of a bushy-haired beetle-eyebrowed writer, who walks around muttering to herself leaving half drunk cups of tea everywhere. For the last three years I have been expanding after childbirth, a bit like the universe at a comfortable but steady rate, with no need to invest in any other clothes but leggings and t-shirts (normally ordered online, because who wants to take 3 hours out to go where the real people are?)

And then I discovered yet another advantage lurking in the bowels of my extended polyamorous ‘intentional family’. There’s such a lot of us now… and one of them is gorgeously my clothes size – AND my shoe size – with fabulous and very expensive taste in clothes. Her dresses plus some VERY large stomach holding pants are now safely stowed in my hand luggage as I sit here typing this at the airport on my way over to my homeland. ITV promised to do my hair and make up. I just hope they listen to me when I tell them I’m going for the ‘non-whore’ look…