In my attempt to follow my heart, I have denied the validity of the relationship escalator. Most people think I’m crazy. In answer to the traditional question of ‘where is your relationship going?’ I’ve replied, ‘nowhere.’ For there is no map for what we are doing. No purpose of goal other than to explore life. Other veterans of multi-partner relationships, say ‘you create your own map’ and of course it doesn’t necessarily contain moving in, marriage and children. That’s a nice theory. But we do need purpose, because it is in purpose that we create meaning.
I’m coming to realise that whilst I may not need a map per se, I do need a story. And the story, like all good stories, must have a beginning, a middle and an end. You and I, we’ve long since passed the beginning, and we’ve had a good bit of the middle. This here, is the midpoint of the story. The mirror moment. Because my stories need substance; they need love affairs, plot twists, growth experiences and character arcs. We’ve grown together, and now I believe it is time to grow independently. You have things you need to do, and so do I. I need the story and I cannot wait for it to happen, I must make it happen. I cannot wait for you to be a part of my plot twist. And so I’ve made the decision to push forward, and it feels lighter. A weight of borderline co-dependency off my shoulders.
I do not understand lifelong relationships. I do not understand others’ need for constant stability. Stability stifles me, it stymies my growth and if I am not growing, I am dying. Our plot twist could have been marriage, it could have been children, it could have been co-habitating. It could have been building projects, it could have been moving country, it could have been travelling to far off lands together. I would have and could have explored them all with excitement, with you. Dismantling my own and society prejudice. Us and the rest of our family against the world. But many of these things are on the relationship escalator, that denote ‘patterned commitment’ a concept that you shun as much as I. But we still need growth. Always growth.
For a while now, we’ve all considered moving away from the island where my children have been shielded, nurtured and raised as babies. Sophia, my metamour has left, following her own calling. Already the house feels strangely empty without her. I’m envious. And that envy tells me that it’s time for me to leave this world and explore another. I know my desire for change might make me an incredibly hard person to live with for it is like an addiction. But I also know myself and I know what I need. I need change, I need the story, I need life. I can postpone these needs or otherwise delay them…I can live vicariously for a while, through others’ lives, through television and books, but even whilst I am doing so, there is a tangible emptiness, a ringing hollowness in my chest. Other solutions like drink or drugs, are incompatible in the long-term with my life, more than that they risk destroying my life and the lives of my children. I abused them in those years where I didn’t yet understand my nature. No more. I must do the living without the false drama of alcohol or parties. I must live life with my own peculiar brand of passion, and life for me is change. Yet my real choices are few and must be balanced with the needs of and commitments to my family. You are also my family. And I see you need to fly. I am committed to supporting that. I am committed to supporting flight.
So my dear one, my darling, my love. I will move with or without you. I will venture forth bravely and with excitement to a new chapter of life in Berlin, the same city as my metamour. I’ll roll the dice. I will expand my and my family’s horizons, meet new challenges, new plot twists and maybe even new love affairs… will you be a part of the new story? This time next year, we’ll know.