Help! Why do the guys I date disappear?

Dear Louloria,

The question that has been burning for me for a while, is why guys “disappear”? Like things seem awesome, then they literally won’t respond to texts, emails and just go “b-bye”. It’s happened to me several times since I started dating. It pisses me off and can hurt too. I have my own ideas about why this happens. But I also would like to call out all of the jackasses for their immature behavior.

– Ms. OnlyDatingDouchebags

Dear Ms. ODD

There are two ways you can see this. One is by getting angry and judging jackasses for their immature behaviour. There are plenty of immature guys, just as there are plenty of immature women – and being immature is something we all go through. But as I’m invested in your success in the dating world, I must advise you that I’m not sure that this will do you any good (although you may get some slight satisfaction for venting at them). Change only happens when people are ready to change.

Alternatively… you can see this as a filter. Your non-monogamous world requires people with a certain mindset and a certain emotional intelligence. You are better off without those men who have perceived for whatever reason, that it isn’t for them,  especially if they choose to ghost you – instead of explaining why they no longer want to date. The most successful polyamorous relationships require communication and a willingness to own the experience of your emotions.  Those who ghost don’t sound like they’re ready for it.

Why does it hurt you? Probably because you have tacit expectations that ‘this time’ the guy you date isn’t a douche. What can you do about it? To be honest… my first piece of advice is to go slower. Are you dating previously monogamous guys? Or guys with experience in polyamory? For the former, doing the ‘open’ thing means painfully unlearning everything you have learned about relationships. It takes time.

But, my overriding piece of advice is to start operating under the condition of ‘no expectation’. Are you seeking a relationship escalator, i.e. a relationship that hits certain milestones? Why? One of the best parts about polyamory is that you don’t have to follow convention. Enjoy the moment (however long that moment lasts). Expectations that ‘this time’ it will work out, put unnecessary baggage on what could be a wonderful short but intimate fling and commitment, when it comes as an expectation, rarely works out.

If you are continually meeting guys who ghost you, I would also encourage you to take a long hard look at your own signals. Is it possible you are attracted to guys who offer little potential for commitment? If so, why? How is your self-esteem right now? Does it require bolstering? In general, we are attracted to certain people because we see something we want in them, something that will heal us or satisfy a need (however unconscious). If you are seeing a pattern in the guys you date, then it is likely that the healing work must start with you.

Good Luck,


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