We said we were there for him, but of course we were really there for us. We needed to wear our comedy masks. We needed to see that he wasn’t afraid. And so if he did feel it, he chose to hide it and we were all cheerful, because of course, of course, he was coming back. But he’d signed the forms… those ones that excuse the doctors if he dies.
Life finds a way to live… even if it’s not through you. And if you don’t allow it to pass through you unhindered, if you don’t trust it to flow and celebrate its natural passage, if you stand in its way, it will destroy you… one way or another.
An emergency blood transfusion and internal bleeding sounds pretty fucking scary to me. But I can sit here with tears running down my face, observe my breath and watch as the fear comes and goes.
I can smile and make jokes, I can wear the mask. But when I’m alone in the kitchen or in the shower, my eyes start to leak and I dig my fingernails into my palms.
But then there was the lump. There it was. Protruding out of the side of my throat. Not a normal occurance.
The guilt of who I am, what I have done and now what I continue to do is so shameful that I cannot face the pain. It is better to display no remorse. There is no point in holding an image together that is shattered and worthless.
I want to shout out to all those who have been brainwashed by the media and who expect hours of pounding that sex is delicious, fruitful and altogether more frothy when you don’t count the minutes.
At the time I didn’t know there was such a phenomenon called Genetic Sexual Attraction; if I had, I might have been able to intellectualize what was happening. But I doubt it. Because at 21 although legally an adult, I still had the naive mind of a child. A child who simply wanted love and acceptance, and who’d been searching for it her whole life.
What if caressing didn’t have to lead anywhere? What if your sex consisted of whatever felt good for you in the moment? What if there were no pressure on either of you to orgasm to satisfy the other person’s ego? What if you could experiment without expectation and judgment?
Women like men, fear rejection. Coming out as bisexual by dating another woman without a man present, changes your relationship to men and the world forever. If you question the hetero-norm of society by your actions, you become a threat. It’s that simple.
Seekers do not feel at ease in the reality they have come into. The first thing they will try to do therefore is to change their reality to see how they can become more ‘at-ease’ or more at home. They can do this by travelling, by drug and substance use/abuse, by multiple relationships…in fact anything and everything to change their external realities and deny the fact they are living in a reality which is becoming increasingly difficult.
Beautiful, beautiful life. Never so precious as when you realise how easily it can slip away.
I rarely travelled further then a 2 kilometre radius and more often than not, I brought the party back home (10 people partying in a 13 squared metres apartment, that’s no mean feat).
Why? Because I knew that the closer I was to my bed, the easier it would be to pass out safely.
What I want is for my lover to glory in my smell. To breathe in my musk and feel the heat rising in his body. To lap it up even if I haven’t had a shower 2 hours before, or even 24 hours before.
I was crazy about him but had no idea how to communicate it. Loving, wanting…it was all the same. If we had sex wouldn’t it mean something for him? If he wanted me wouldn’t I be happy? Because I was so unhappy. Insecure. Unpopular. With no idea who I was.