What I see when I look in the mirror is someone to fear. Someone who will cost society money--a liability as opposed to an asset. And I'm scared. Terrified even. I feel like I've fooled those I love and who love me. I've always wanted to be loved and to be the kind of person worthy of being loved. And now it's as if they've got a present wrapped up in a shiny bow but opened it up just to find something ugly and vile inside. Me.
Posts published in “Psychology-Self”
Your limits are otherwise known as your boundaries, they're what you use to protect your power, to govern it responsibly. They're what allows you to interact healthily with others.
As might be evident, 'bad' objectification involves a lack of consent, because if you cannot consent, you have no power to decide. You have no agency. But if objectification is consensual, can it be a good thing?
Because I went. I saw Tarzan. I objectified, and thoroughly enjoyed doing so, thinking it at best harmless fun and at worst a sort of inconsequential revenge for all the years that my sisters and I have been objectified. This is what the men go on about, I thought. Yes, it's fun. Besides, surely the price of a cinema ticket makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.... does it?
As a child my memory was rewritten time and again--first by my mother who tried to erase who I was to serve her own narcissistic needs, and then as an adult by an abusive ex (ditto). At twelve years old, I experienced a car accident which must have had more of an impact than the months I don't recall and I drank my way through my twenties, actively trying to forget many things, which I'm pretty sure had an even larger impact.
The desire to change beckons. The voice tickles and taunts as it invites me out to play and it says... time to change, time to have fun, why so serious?
Great power comes, with the internet, sometimes completely unexpectedly. You cannot know power before you have it, so you cannot know whether you are ready for it. If you suddenly find yourself in a position of great power, then you can try to wield that power with responsibility and become the hero, or fail (by accident or design) and become the villain. And so, I am afraid. I am afraid that I have invited the mantle of power on my heretofore unproven and potentially irresponsible shoulders.
Twenty years later those two people are now strangers and our story is one of the human condition, of love and tragedy. It was inevitable. And so I simply sigh, close the book and move on.
Later I built an armour called 'fuck you'. It shielded me from the pain and from the rocks. But also from the joy. I built it from a place of indifference and it became me.
But although I drifted aimlessly on the open seas, buffeted by the storms I conjured myself from my grief, I also found that had the tools to fashion an oar.
Every few hours we must stop and refuel. Seeking high calorie food conveys a clear evolutionary advantage as does immediate consumption (in case that wildebeest eats it first).