I work on checking and using privilege for good; but let’s also be honest, It is also the product of self-preservation – something which has made man into a consummate survivor. And it’s the ‘how-to’ eradicate it generally outlined, basically involves throwing out the ‘training wheels’, something which challenges the very instinct which protects us.
For three years I’ve taken the easy option. I’ve had a vicariously open relationship without doing any of the work. But despite a few drunken kisses at parties, I haven’t gone out on a date since our last polyamorous relationship ended (not entirely coincidentally, three years ago).
Deep, deep down, I still fear abandonment which will reinforce the lie that rings like truth in my ears that I am inherently, and personally, shameful and unlovable.
Unfortunately despite all the good intentions, a minority’s struggle for acceptance will always create a ‘prisoners’ dilemma’ and this one is no different. In the non-monogamous community certain relationship configurations are more likely to be accepted if they align themselves to already existing precepts and/or paradigms.
As we watched and took lessons from the hell that is the monogamous struggle for the perfect relationship, the one and only, I threw up. It wasn’t just the hangover… The reminder of the fear, anxiety, and utter shame I had felt for years from living and trying to live up to a monogamous paradigm was brought up quite literally in the form of the pizza I had eaten at 2am the night before.
In the online poly world there are a few figures that come to the fore. Most of those – unsurprisingly – have websites. Others have written books (or are about to!). I caught up with Franklin Veaux of More Than Two fame to talk about jealousy, game-changing relationships…and more. Many people believe that polyamory is a choice – a conscious …
One of the most common reactions I’ve had when declaring my plural relationship preference is this. ‘Why can’t you keep it in the bedroom where it belongs?’ They think it’s private business. But it’s only private business if you can practise it freely, happily and without fear of utter condemnation or legal ramifications. Nose picking for example, is ‘private’; Polyamory is not because of the public consequences on those who practise it. It is, by definition, public business.