Successful threesomes might have many components, but I would boldly state that the best way to ensure satisfaction is through good communication. Yet sitting down to discuss boundaries and consent with long term partner(s) with whom you hopefully have an enviable level of honest communication, is the easier part. It is not so easy to communicate with that spontaneous person you meet at the club, who agrees to participate in fun and games with you and your partner(s) for a one-off encounter.
I think about it. I think about it all until I am exhausted. And when my mind has no reasons, nothing left, all I have is my love, my loss and my grief. My heart breaks and out of the shattered pieces comes still more love for him.
I stayed up all night looking after her and at 6am Freddie awoke wanting to play. Morten and I were exhausted. But when I looked at them still I felt, it was all worth it. And smelling of sick, I still burned for them.
We all have our sensitivities, allergies and intolerances, some of them too deep to change in the short term – or even the medium term – to anyone’s satisfaction. Whilst having such ‘intolerances’ is not an excuse to avoid self work and owning your shit, it is the reality. Some people are incompatible for you, at this stage of your life, maybe for always. Not because they are evil, nor because you are, but just like certain explosive chemicals, because of how you both react together.
He suggested we convene on a boat tethered on the Seine for a post-lunch glass of wine. Which turned into a bottle. There, he thought he could propose. But the light made our eyes squint and our heads ached from midday drinking. In the blue brightness of day, the open air boats weren’t half as romantic; the tables had cigarette burns on them and the linoleum on the floor was ripped and tatty. Then it started to rain.
She’s an exceptional woman who sees me as an asset. They are happy together. That makes me happy. And our children happy. One big, happy relationship-fluid family. My daughter now has several female role models in her life. We’ve seen a blossoming in her over the past months which warms all our hearts. It’s something kind of wonderful.
Because the price I’ve paid for being in this relationship has been the loss of my identity. Any identity I assume, is all too easily discarded. My core is nameless, faceless. Unbound by morals, and untethered to values. And after two years of untying knots to ‘who I am’, what’s left is an unmanned boat free but without direction, sailing on the tide of life.
Even thrill seekers need to feel safe, because no one would go on a rollercoaster if they believed it to be inherently unsafe, unless they were suicidal. People don’t mountain bike because they have a death wish, they do it because like me, they have a life wish.
In truth gender and sexuality might have little to do with whether you conduct loving relationships in parallel. Let’s be honest, there’s very little about me that’s queer and if I’m to include that in my identity it feels like yet another appropriation of the queer struggle.
If anything, the construct of monogamy has over some centuries, proven its worth. It’s helped us to grow into the society we are today.
He felt that polyamory wasn’t stable, but could be a ‘fluid way to get change as compared to ending one relationship entirely before searching for a new one.’ His inference was from monogamy to polyamory and back to monogamy, and that’s where we disagree. Fluidity is not about vacillating between two binary states.
To my mind, biological disposition is therefore a weak premise for legitimizing sexual autonomy. Choice of sexual expression and the form it takes between consenting adults, makes a stronger foundation for establishing the civil rights we so badly need to protect us all against discrimination and unjustifiable action. I claim that polyamory as a relationship choice deserves to be protected. I claim that it is not detrimental to the moral fabric of our society or to our characters, but can on the contrary be highly beneficial.