And then I read through the chapter again and cry. My untold story is from my soul. And I’ve lost part of it. The part that was self-indulgent, preachy and rambled.
There are a select few photos on my boyfriend’s hard drive that are, shall we say, unashamedly for his eyes only. But apart from heavily vetted and otherwise ‘instagrammed’ photos on facebook, I’ve always been wary about being photographed.
‘The Husband Swap’ stayed on my hard drive for around 7 years before I considered publishing it. In that time I reflected on what happened in the spaces in between, what was really going on in my head. What I didn’t write. What we didn’t say.
It’s hard to describe the elation of this moment. I’m not sure I fully believe it even now. It’s as if Simon Cowell came down and gave me a record contract with all the clout that he has to promote it.
Is there a serious writer in the world who wants to be tarred with a cheap tabloid brush? Is there an individual anywhere who wants to be rejected by the people they love most in the world as I have been?
I like to write about challenging paradigms. Constructs. Neuroscience. Sex? Not so much. It reminds me of my body and boy is it difficult to concentrate on good writing when you’re writing about the flowing of your own vaginal juices. Because writing about it means you have to live it in the moment. In order to write it well, I have to feel it…
When I was young I dreamt many times of killing mother. Yet when woke from these nightmares I shuddered with self-loathing and guilt. Not just from dreaming of killing my mother but also for the realisation that didn’t feel free to be me. I was aged 11 and it was symbolism at its finest. I loved her, needed her, but I …
In the aftermath of one of my own battles, I sat and reflected on whether I still believed in making my private opinions… public through blogging. And why I was doing it. Was it purely attention seeking?
It’s taken courage to keep writing honestly in the face of criticism (although I must admit, it was easier because I was far away from people I knew). My (old) friends think I’m crazy. Self destructive. Wallowing in self pity. Which is really weird, because I’m shinier and happier than I have ever been in my life.
There’s an argument afoot that the changes should come from the top. That we have no chance of making it in this world “when society rewards lying and cheating, and punishes whistleblowers”. Honesty in our society is not rewarded.
The other day I was accused of being sexist because I ‘tweeted’ out against female genital mutilation. The pushback was that I should have apparently been non-gender specific because male genital mutilation in the form of circumcision happens to. My boyfriend said ‘Isn’t that like saying “How dare you sponsor a child in Africa? What about all the children in …