But this test, the colonoscopy, was the last in line and the most feared. It followed 24 hours of fasting and laxative enhanced groaning on the toilet. A camera inserted into my rectum without the mercy of general anaesthetic oblivion.
Personal development is not a means to an end for me. It is the end. I intend to live life experimentally until I die. Pushing the boundaries and expanding my awareness. Constant growth and change seems right now to be the way for me to reach my highest potential and my ultimate happiness.
It’s not what I know I’ve done. But what I don’t know I’ve done. Yawning black holes of nothingness taunt me with their awful possibilities.
Enlightenment is one of those words that people use to designate their superiority. When you are determined to do everything you can to develop personally, it’s difficult to see those around you who are content with doing nothing to better themselves or to change the world.
We all have the ability to observe and evaluate our actions and remain untouched by them. But sometimes we identify so much with our ego-identity and its narratives that we fall into and perpetuate the drama.
We all have this gift, but we often forget. It is the gift of knowing, truly understanding, that we are mortal.
Even when I was not working, I was wasting time that could have been spent working and I felt enormous guilt. Luckily when I got home from work, there was still more work to do.
I can’t really sit you down now to talk to you about life lessons because at 4 and 2 years old, you are too young. Besides, who wants to talk about life when there is so much living to do?
I feel ~ in the words of Maya Angelou ~ that the need for change once more is bulldozing a road down the center of my mind.
We said we were there for him, but of course we were really there for us. We needed to wear our comedy masks. We needed to see that he wasn’t afraid. And so if he did feel it, he chose to hide it and we were all cheerful, because of course, of course, he was coming back. But he’d signed the forms… those ones that excuse the doctors if he dies.
Life finds a way to live… even if it’s not through you. And if you don’t allow it to pass through you unhindered, if you don’t trust it to flow and celebrate its natural passage, if you stand in its way, it will destroy you… one way or another.
An emergency blood transfusion and internal bleeding sounds pretty fucking scary to me. But I can sit here with tears running down my face, observe my breath and watch as the fear comes and goes.