There are acts and there are consequences. When you’re a woman with a constant barrage of messages, most of which focus on your appearance, you can become dismissive and even sick of having to reply to them. It creates a greater propensity to dismiss those who have reached out. To treat them like objects. Sarah made her selection on whether she found the image attractive. She objectified the men who had objectified her.
Today Franklin Veaux is a leader and advocate in the polyamorous community; but over ten years ago Franklin Veaux was not a man whose word was respected.
He was not the man whose articles about agency and consent have been shared thousands of times across the internet. And if his site was popular, it was only because it caused such controversy and such upset in the polyamorous community that it was – like others issue like abortion – highly divisive.
At what point do you define ‘being in a relationship’? Is it more than one date? Is it when you decide to be exclusive? Is it when you label each other boyfriend/girlfriend?
For those who define themselves as polyfidelitous, swingers or even monogamous, they have chosen the relationship structure which suits them best because of the way their brains, minds, genetic needs and prior relationships have created their sense of selves and who they feel they are.
I hunger for more validation. More than being embraced by his family, which I am. More than us all being accepted by my friends, which we are. I hunger for the type of validation that marriage brings.
Whilst much of my writing colours polyamory in a rose tinted light, I am not ignorant of the enormous pain that it might and does bring to many. Those who say my credibility is damaged and that I am stupid because I ignore the obvious pain signals which should prevent me practising polyamory, are only proving their own ignorance about the necessity and role of pain in our lives.
Sexual objectification is part and parcel of what we do, how we evaluate our potential partners and how we as a society procreate. But there are acts and there are consequences. Sexual objectification is fine as long as it is a small part of a greater appreciation, but it will constrain the longevity of your sexual relationship if this is the only basis of sexual attraction.
It’s the utter anguish of losing your sense of self. Of not knowing if anything around you is true. When you challenge societal structures which are considered the ‘only way’ and the ‘right way’ people will call you insane (and not in a good way).
He speaks of her. Of memories. Of what-ifs. Of his confusion. I try my best not to think guiltily about my own lover, my other significant other, sleeping in the bedroom. This heartbreak is his alone. And I am the lucky one.
An open relationship is a choice which supplies by proxy, many of the challenges that humans require in order to develop emotional intelligence as well as a solid framework of ethics. But it is by no means the only choice which does this.
Since meeting other partners we’ve come to value the time we have together more. Partly and simply because there is less of it. You have to work hard to keep the original relationship going whilst being swept off your feet by the newness of other relationships.
I never expected to feel inadequate at this stage, nor to have life shove my inadequacy so brutally in my face in a period when I am confronted savagely by my own mortality through illness.
If you feel jealousy, it means that you also feel need and possession. Accept this. The difficulty is eradicating it. The only way you know you have eradicated it is if you stop feeling jealous… which presents a problem.
In your head because need is so strongly associated with love, to stop needing someone also means to stop loving someone. And you don’t want that. You will fight hard to keep ‘needing’ someone because it is what you think love is. But I want you to know that even if you think that your love will be diminished if you take away the need, it won’t be.
If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.
The only way you can be happy is to be uncomfortably honest with how you really feel. That means facing fear. Because if reality conflicts with what you think it ought to be, then you will sense fear.