Dear Louloria, I’ll preface by saying my marriage was once incredibly dysfunctional. Neither of us were capable of taking responsibility for our choices or feelings and we got stuck in this cycle of happy for a little while followed by increasing isolation followed by explosive fighting followed my short lived happiness and promises to do better. It was bad. Really …
Can somebody who’s completely secure in themselves and their relationship still feel jealousy with respect to their partner? Hi there, Interesting fact. Our rational brain (pre frontal cortex) and emotional brain (limbic system) don’t communicate directly with one another. Instead what happens is that we receive an external stimulus e.g. your partner talking intimately to someone else, and the emotional …
I’ve been married for three years but I’ve always have female friends that I’ve been very attached too. I would go as far as to say I love them. I’ve always struggled with this feeling that I would just to love to touch them or kiss them but I’ve always backed out of these thoughts. It might seem I don’t …
My lesson for you is this: do not have a idea about what agreements should or should not be made, without realising that they might change and probably will. What you might consider instead are your principles.
I’m happy for you experiencing intense crushes, there really is nothing like them! But from a biological standpoint it’s a whole bunch of hormones rushing round your body… namely adrenalin and phenylethylamine which is putting you in a state which diverts your bodily functions away from those minor inconveniences like eating and sleeping. Basically, you’re high.
In this context, ethical is the umbrella term whilst consent and responsibility fall under this. By general consensus, ripe timing and my own personal opinion, it seems that the More Than Two definition may rapidly be becoming the definition of ‘polyamory’ itself and if that is the case, then it is these underlying beliefs which distinguish ethical (to be redundant) polyamory from other forms of non-monogamy, consensual or otherwise.
You can want to be ethical, strive towards being ethical and still behave unethically. It’s called being human!
My advice in all cases is to look at your experiences separately in order to better trace their impacts, before aggregating them to see how they interplay.
The amount of jealousy we feel corresponds to the style of attachment we have; scientists agree that adult attachment is likely to mimic childhood attachment, even if they currently disagree about the overlap and extent.
We all have a tendency to mimic familiar relationships because they feel in some way comforting. It’s a basic reptilian survival mechanism, our fears are of the unknown, not the known–even if the known is not the best thing for us. But I’m not talking about your exes, I’m talking about you.
You have a position in the triad where it will be easier to fall into the position of ‘rescuer’ or ‘persecutor’.
Either way, it is only your choices to be ethical and responsible or not, which will differentiate your actions between cheating and polyamory.
Most likely he is already worrying that you will break apart. You are who you are and you have made the choices you have made. If you do not tell him, if you act as if it is something to be ashamed of then it is more likely he will think it is shameful.
Sex itself is not a need. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t important, just that we can choose to define it differently and this may be more helpful in figuring out what to do. It’s important that you reconsider your perception of sex as a need, because–in a hopefully hypothetical and extreme case–if you consider it a need you will have to add more and more people to your relationship if they stop having sex with you (for whatever reason!) and you risk treating them as objects to fulfil this ‘need’. Such a paradigm is unsustainable.
The only way for him and his self esteem to improve is for him to take responsibility for his actions and emotions. But that must be his choice. Can you reach him?
Only by continuing to assume your own agency and by taking responsibility for your agency–and only yours.
If he cannot get what he wants from you, if he cannot force you take responsibility for his actions and/or emotions, he has very few options available to him.