My way, would be natural I’d decided (with not a little smirk of superiority). A water birth, maybe with a kick of gas and air to get me laughing like Uncle Benny in Lethal Weapon.
For a time I seriously considered having sex without desire. But in the end, I knew that I couldn’t, because forcing myself to do it, would lower my self-esteem even further…tying it irrevocably to my ability to satisfy someone else’s sexual needs whilst overriding my own. How much do you have to despise yourself to do that?
Pethidine locked me away in my own pain prison far away from the delivery room. I rocked myself moaning quietly in the foetal position whilst blue shadows flitted across the room ignoring me, now I was ‘manageable’ and in an altered state of reality.