I must accept and welcome wretchedness for my daughter, if she is to forge her own way to integrity.
We all have the ability to observe and evaluate our actions and remain untouched by them. But sometimes we identify so much with our ego-identity and its narratives that we fall into and perpetuate the drama.
Because beyond this conditioning is a deeper truth. In all long term relationships sooner or later, you will stop idealizing your partner and will see his faults.
If I enable a lie, it will take away a piece of me. Sometimes I think I am driven by sensationalism – a hangover of my desire for attention. That’s a part of it (and that’s the truth). But my experimentation with life, my experience, is my own way of determining what makes me happy outside of what society tells me makes me happy, and what makes me, me.
The mask I had carefully constructed and lovingly invested in over a period of 15 years turned out to be devoid of meaning in my mid thirties. Day after day I could toy with numbers, projecting consumer demand, running sensitivity analyses, presenting recommendations to the board for products which would line their money sodden pockets. It wasn’t me anymore (if it ever had been).
That you desire to earn money from writing out your paltry experiences is exploitative, unskilled and ultimately worth nothing. But of course you know all of this even as you try and cover it with swathes of denial.
Because the part of life that contradicts the lie, goes into that lovely place called denial and resides in your subconscious. It means you don’t have to be responsible for your life. And your subconscious mind will perpetuate the lie. It will go to greater and greater lengths to support the position you have created for yourself and cover up the truth. Lies fragment your subconscious and shatter your integrity.
These structures we build are part of our social conditioning and therefore not ‘innate’, however they are also inescapable as part of our journey from purely unconscious babies who are by definition helpless, through partially conscious and struggling adults and perhaps, eventually, escaping the mind ‘matrix’…or as we call it, codependency.
You are not your mind. You have a mind and you can be the master of it. It is by truly understanding this that you may begin to make choices which will empower you. And that’s when you begin to live a consensual life.
I want to remind you of something you and almost everyone out there has forgotten. We are all born without judging ourselves perfect or imperfect. And then we start. Because ‘bad emotions, bad parents and bad feedback have more impact than good ones.’ Once upon a time someone you loved told you that you were not perfect. You internalized it and it became your belief. You acted accordingly.
In the online world, protecting your reputation and your voice is survival; so much so, that if someone has made an fool of themselves in public and been proven wrong, they will – nine times out of ten – leave the forum and choose to eradicate their presence; in other words, they commit a sort of social suicide.
In my life I have built a structure for my belief system which helps me understand the madness and chaos of this world. It’s not unique, but it is tailored to me as all of our must be. It is only one of my belief structures, but I would say the default one and hinges on if…then… statements (and not only because I’m a fan of excel).
I cannot admit I am magnificent in public, or even in private, because doing so would turn me into a person I myself dislike. Someone big headed and cocky. Someone society would hate.
I used to find it difficult to say ‘Thank You’. It meant I was indebted to someone and had an obligation to them. This behavioural pattern was learned from my mother, who was so narcissistic, needy and unhappy that I unconsciously felt it my duty to live up to the expectations she had of me, so that she could be …
There’s a rumour going round that goes something like this. You won’t truly be loved by another until you love yourself. It’s been repeated in various guises by many over the years and notably several Hollywood actresses. They seem – unsurprisingly – to be the most in need for a little self love. Love yourself first and everything else falls …