The Adoptee Journey
You asked… “If you’d asked me 6 months ago, I would have said that I love 2 men. But now …after months of drama, mistrust, less time with my husband and having the best connection ever with my new lover, I am just not sure of my feelings any more. Then this weekend I reconnected with my husband and we … Read More
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It was need at first sight for both of us. We needed each other. I needed to be taken care of. My adoptive mother needed a baby to heal her wounds.
You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but its there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
I discovered last week that you read my blog. This blog! Although my initial reaction was one of fear, after 5 seconds I started laughing at what I imagine your reaction to be when you read about my not-so-private sex life out there on the web.
We have each claimed our respective subjective realities to be ‘the’ one and only truth over the years, but as it turns out there is no one and only truth. We can’t change our realities, only accept that my experience is true for me as your experience is true for you. I am not trying to make you wrong. But nor will I undermine my own reality to make you right.
I knew that my father had tried to divorce my mother a year before they adopted me. I knew that I was ‘her project’. I knew that he was never around.
The guilt of who I am, what I have done is so shameful that I cannot face the pain. There is no point in holding someone who is shattered and worthless.
But it wasn’t about love, it was about power. About how far I would be willing to go. About how much abuse I might be prepared to accept.
I don’t know whether the roaring was in my head or from his throat, but it felt like I had gone mad.
I want to forgive. I don’t want to be the victim. But I don’t know how not to be…
My family was not one I was born to, it was one I made and continue to make on a daily basis. My family is a group of people who I trust and whose support I use to empower myself to grow in this world. I have relatives of course, but they are not who I consider my family.
Secrecy was the best choice. But being adopted whilst outwardly respectable, was only another word for disgraced bastard. And everyone knew it, even if they didn’t say it.