It’s the golden secret isn’t it? How to become that type of guy who attracts women effortlessly and how to keep the woman – or women – you have, interested in you. It’s why the pick-up artist community I hate is still overwhelmingly popular despite its overtly degrading negging strategies. It’s the ultimate quick fix for the heterosexual dating world.
Truth to be told, I didn’t think there could be one base ingredient, for each woman has unique tastes, don’t they? I identify as a woman and I like to think so.
But even if we do, it turns out there is at least one common denominator of attraction. Not only for heterosexual relationships and binary gender relationships, but for all adult romantic relationships. It’s so obvious. The golden secret is what Aragorn has in bucketfuls but what Saruman lacks. It’s even why the Joker is bizarrely attractive despite all his evil deeds. And why we’ll keep tuning in to see Jack Bauer, no matter how many atrocities he commits.
For me, the ability to master life, work and attractiveness, lies in a man’s (person’s) integrity and in his ability to keep it. A man of integrity is an attractive one. But integrity is not necessarily being an ethical or a ‘good’ guy (these are much of the time, simply judgements). A man of integrity is one who doesn’t compromise himself and his truth. He’s not a hard-ass, he doesn’t accumulate power for power’s sake, but he knows his own mind and doesn’t sacrifice his guiding principles even if he will regularly reconsider them. More to the point, he HAS guiding principles. Because a man of integrity doesn’t sell out for the easy life (those are some rather tricky days Jack Bauer has).
Many men have been taught that the way to a woman’s heart is to lose their integrity and sacrifice their purpose for our love. They have a conflict of interest (because they want our love, sex or a combination of the two). They think that they are sacrificing their time, or their desires or their self, for our love and desire. But when inevitably they do so, they lose it anyway.
Of course, we’re only asking for what we’ve been taught we want ~ to be valued and prized even above a man’s own self. But perhaps it’s not what we really want?
We don’t want a man whose integrity is damaged even if we are the ones who ask for it to be damaged. We’re not fully aware of the consequences of what we’re asking. And they are not aware of the consequences of what they’re doing. It’s why integrity is for big boys – and girls. The state of adulthood is not demarcated by age even if we try to pretend so in the law courts. I know few eighteen year olds who are aware in any sense. Integrity is the remit of a more conscious person. A person with a greater purpose than his own immediate gratification.
And yet, it is also unfortunately why the ‘bad boys’ who appear to be so completely themselves and so unwilling to sacrifice their sense of self for us, are more attractive (most of them are spoilt children, but it takes some women a lifetime to figure out the difference). Bad boys don’t sacrifice their sense of self, but only because they are interested in self-gratification. Nice guys on the other hand do sacrifice their goals and ambitions for us, acquiesce on the interior decorating and let us call the shots (another good reason to take a stand on the curtain patterns guys). They are not themselves indeed they don’t know themselves because they have never challenged themselves to find out.
When a man follows his a greater purpose he is respected. When a man changes his mind just because a woman tells him to, or because he believes it would be too much trouble not to, he sacrifices his purpose and he cannot be trusted. He is in effect saying to the woman that he doesn’t trust his own wisdom or himself. Which means that we can’t trust him either.
What Happens When a man Loses his Integrity within a Relationship?
It means that in the short term, the sacrifice he makes might reward him with intimacy. Sexual connection feeds into his self-esteem and makes him feel great. A-ha, he thinks. This is the key to relationships. So he’ll do it again. And again. Seeking comfort and a happy life at the expense of his own integrity. When he seeks the easy life, he is weakened. When he starts to depend on sex as a way to boost his self-esteem he becomes insecure when it is withheld for whatever reason. In losing his integrity, he loses his power and becomes unattractive.
‘I feel like I’m dancing to your tune.’ he says. ‘It’s your choice when and if we have sex. It always has been. The difference was in the beginning you wanted it as much as me. And now you don’t.’
‘No one forces you to have sex if you don’t want it. But you always do.’ she says. ‘You’ve said it yourself. If I wanted to I could seduce you. I don’t want that power over you. I want you to have power.’
To have integrity is to be powerful. It’s attractive. The natural reaction of the man is to ask then what concrete actions he can perform to regain his power. Men, as we all know, are fixers. At this point I need to make a full disclosure. I’ve never seen a man regain his integrity within the same relationship. A dynamic once settled is extraordinarily difficult to change. But I have seen plenty of men left by women or challenged by new relationships which push them out of their comfort zone and have seen them grow in stature because of it. But I live in hope, because it is theoretically possible since it has nothing to do with the other person’s desire (which you can’t change) and everything to do with your ethos of personal development (which you can). The answer is this.
Challenge yourself. In doing so you will find your purpose and forge your identity. Make your choices aligned with your purpose and you will grow in integrity. You will also piss a lot of people off and potentially lose unfulfilling relationships but hey, everything comes with a price right? “The cure for your lack of purpose is to be challenged to live at your edge since you have lost the capacity to live there by yourself. The two ways to bring you right to your masculine edge of power are austerity and challenge.” [The Way of The Superior Man ~ David Deida]. No comforts to shield you from your discomfort. You will have to face the basic discomfort and dissatisfaction that is the hidden texture of your life. You will be alive with the challenge of living your truth rather than hiding from it.
Whilst it’s natural to avoid what we perceive as painful, pain is what makes us grow so you can ride on the crest of your life instead of drowning in it.
Be your own person. Ride your life from a position of power and integrity without abusing it to disempower. And you will become devastatingly attractive.